Why is it such a struggle to get your kid to sleep?

Nothing is more nerve-wracking with kids than those last few minutes of the day. You know, when they’re bone-tired but insist on doing literally everything else but sleeping.

Figured you’d be out of the woods by toddlerhood, right? It would seem only fair after the acute sleep deprivation throughout the baby phase... Snowball’s chance in hell! Everything’s just a phase – with the next one marked by sleeplessness right around the corner. Sleep coach Tilja Tanner explains why this is and what parents can do to make their evenings and nights more relaxed.

Tilja, you’re a child sleep consultant. Your own children must be aces at sleeping!
Tilja Tanner: (laughs) I wish! They sleep, well, like children sleep. We had a massive sleeping problem with our elder son for three years. That was a difficult, stressful time. We tried a lot of approaches and wanted to find help, but sleep coaching wasn’t common in Switzerland at the time. With my younger son on the way, I did my research early on and became a qualified sleep coach. This helped us enormously. I’d say we’re now sleeping better than ever before.

So your own child’s sleep problems are what motivated you to become a sleep coach?
Yes. As well as the realisation that many families have a lack of knowledge on the topic of children and sleep. And knowledge makes a huge difference. For example, I’d never heard of the concept of age-appropriate waking phases. Nor did I realise how important routines are and how big an impact the day has on the night. My eldest is now five years old. And while he’s not a lover of sleep and still needs more assurance than his two-and-a-half-year-old brother, we’ve found ways to get good sleep as a family. Even being a sleep coach, you can’t solve every problem. But you can influence certain things to make the sleep situation much more relaxed.

What can you influence?
I can create an awareness of how children sleep. This helps to understand the reasons behind their behaviour. And I can also create the best possible conditions for relaxed sleep, for instance, through rituals, structure and fulfilling needs in everyday life – or, in the case of very young children, through an age-appropriate rhythm. This is often enough to solve a number of problems. In older children from the age of three, the parent-child relationship frequently also plays a role. Sleep problems can be caused by unmet needs in everyday life or a lack of clarity on the part of parents when it comes to bedtime. But these are all aspects you first need to be aware of.

So, what can you not solve as a sleep coach?
There are factors you frankly have no influence over that lead to a temporary worsening of sleep in many children. These include developmental leaps such as teething and transitional phases such as starting daycare. Some children also simply need a little more guidance and support from their parents when it comes to sleeping.

My eldest daughter, for example. She’s seven years old and still has trouble falling asleep. It takes her very long and she really fights it.
My kids go through phases like that, too. And it can really test your patience.

Why is it such a struggle to get your kid to sleep?
It’s important to remember that children are learning new things every day; they’re constantly developing and experiencing an incredible number of things. They need to process all of this. As a result, it can sometimes take them a little longer to fall asleep. Add to this the state of being tired, which activates the bonding system in children. And so, the child wants to spend time with their parents; perhaps they’ve had a busy day at daycare and now wants to catch up. Many parents, on the other hand, long for relaxation and time for themselves or with their partner after a long day. They want to get their child into bed as quickly as possible. In other words, there’s a conflict of needs.

As a parent, I also have needs. I’m tired and want some me-time.
Indeed – and this need is also important. All needs have their place. This is often a balancing act, and compromises are a must. Feeling relaxed is also conducive to sleep. When parents fear their me-time is in danger due to bedtime taking so long and are stressed out as a result, the children can feel this.

How can we do right by everyone then?
I recommend you consciously create a ritual of one-to-one time with your child throughout the day and also before bedtime. Bedtime rituals with a clear sequence also signal to the child that it’s time for a good night’s sleep. What I find very important is to not make me-time dependent on your child falling asleep quickly. It should be a fixed part of your day no matter what. That’s why it’s so important for parents to support each other when putting their kids to bed. Take turns; time off is key. If you’re a single parent, I recommend you actively ask grandparents or friends for help, or to join forces with other single parents.

What does your sleep coaching look like?
I first have the family write me a detailed protocol over five days. That way, I have a good overview of the situation and can already identify possible reasons behind the problem. This is followed by a detailed analysis and discussion in which we pinpoint the problem and determine the family’s individual goals, values and wishes. We then start by establishing a suitable rhythm. Next, in a separate appointment, we talk about sleep biology and draw up a plan for how the family can achieve their goal – and, above all, how the parents will accompany their child through the change. I support the family very closely for three months during implementation.

You’re very active on Instagram, where you have 2,000 followers. How important is this platform for your work?
To be honest, I kind of just fell into it. The way I see it, Instagram is great for making knowledge about children’s sleep accessible to a wide audience and for dispelling myths. It allows me to also reach parents who may not be able to afford individual sleep coaching.

Every child and every sleep behaviour is different. Is there any advice you can give all parents regardless?
A balanced sleep-wake cycle is helpful for every child. I’d also like to stress that there’s no right or wrong. The sleeping rhythm should first and foremost suit the given family. And there’s no shame in seeking help if you’re stressed out. No one should have a guilty conscience about this topic.

Tilja Tanner (37) is a certified sleep coach according to Bianca Niermann® and childcare specialist with years of experience in daycare centres. She lives in the canton of Bern with her husband and their two sons.

This is the first article in a multi-part series with Tilja Tanner on the subject of children’s sleep. Have any topics you’d like handled or questions you’d like answered in an upcoming article? Leave a comment or send me an e-mail!