Relationship models: "People have become more willing to experiment"

Two people who are only committed to each other - monogamy is the most common, but also the most inflexible model on the relationship market. Why this is so and what alternatives we can talk about more, I find out in a conversation with sexologist and psychotherapist Dania Schiftan.

Dania, last time we talked about fidelity in relationships and touched on the subject of relationship models. What models are there and what do they look like in concrete terms?
Dania Schiftan: You start with a question that I can't possibly answer exactly (laughs).

Why is that?
In any relationship model, there are an infinite number of possible shades. That's why I'd rather give you a rough sketch of the different "tracks" in which relationships can generally move.

Gladly.
When we talk about relationships, the first thing most people think of is a monogamous relationship. People who enter into such a relationship commit to spending their lives with a single partner. In the process, it can also happen that someone is secretly cheating. That is, this person is only formally monogamous. Then there is serial monogamy, where someone is only with one person for so long until he or she is dissatisfied. Then she ends the relationship, only to enter into a monogamous partnership with someone else.

I assume that this is also the form of relationship that you encounter most often in your everyday life as a sex therapist?
Exactly. Less common are concepts like polyamory, for example. It assumes that someone can be in a sexual as well as a love relationship with several people at the same time. Again, there are many different variations, for example: primary partners, different secondary partners, and relationships where all parties are equal.

So there you can get quite creative ...
Correct, there are many possibilities for subdivision and definition. Another concept that also allows for leeway is that of open relationships: these are fixed partnerships that set rules about who can enter into a sexual relationship with whom.

Now I know why you said you couldn't possibly answer that question in detail.
Especially alternative forms of relationships like polyamory or open relationships allow a lot of possibilities. For example, the number of partners involved. Or the question of who is allowed to enter into what kind of relationship with whom, where and how. Moreover, we have only touched on a few models here. In between, there are many others to discover.

That will certainly bring some challenges ...
For everyone to be happy in a relationship, no matter what kind, you need a high level of self-reflection, but also the ability to communicate. For this you need to know your own needs and boundaries. The more creatively a relationship form is lived, the more energy it takes. The more classical a relationship form is, the more it is shaped by society and the more rules are set by it. That means you can stick to some kind of framework that dictates to you and your partner what is allowed in the relationship and who does what.

Can you elaborate on that?
Let's look at this as a spectrum. On one side is the classic, heterosexual, monogamous relationship with its traditional division of roles. The man goes to work, the woman takes care of the house and the household. This distribution of tasks is predetermined by society. This means that when I choose this type of relationship, I question myself or my counterpart less. I take the framework and rules for granted. The further I move away from one end of the spectrum, that is, the freer and more creative my relationship form is, the more I have to communicate and discuss with everyone involved in my relationship constellation in order to set the relationship rules and pick up all the needs.

So what does the other end of the spectrum look like?
The most complex form of relationship is certainly a constellation of diverse people of different sexual orientations who are in a love relationship as well as a sexual relationship with each other. This form includes all kinds of emotions and actions. Without communication such a togetherness is not possible at all.

In your experience, has interest in new forms of relationships increased in recent years?
People have definitely become more willing to experiment. The topic is brought up more often in my therapy sessions. I think that's terrific, because it shows me that people are exploring it more and realizing that they have a choice and are allowed to make it. These are good conditions for a fulfilling relationship. On the other hand, if couples passively, that is, without thinking it through carefully, put themselves in a classically married couple constellation, they may no longer make an effort, they may no longer feel noticed. They then think: I'm just married now and it is what it is.

The ready-made frame as a scapegoat for their own dissatisfaction.
This does not necessarily mean that monogamous marriage is the wrong model for such couples. Couples therapy can help here, however, to actively deal with the issue and to steer the relationship in a direction that both perceive as fulfilling. Generally speaking, those who think things through before entering into a relationship and give themselves the opportunity to choose between different models are more likely to stay alive, awake and self-reflective. It doesn't matter whether one ultimately chooses a monogamous marriage or a polyamorous group. What is important is that people consciously decide what suits them better.

So there is no right or wrong?
That's right. For some, exclusivity is the cornerstone of an intimate relationship. They believe that true intimacy only happens when they focus their attention on one person, not with multiple parts. Others argue that precisely because they engage with multiple people, they only engage with those they truly want to be with. Both arguments make sense, in my opinion.

What happens if my chosen model no longer suits me?
It happens often and it's a good thing because we change throughout our lives. Sometimes it's the model that no longer fits, sometimes it's just a certain aspect or the way a relationship has settled. Then couples come to my practice to work out, with my support, a new form of relationship that fits both of them. This may be the case, for example, if life circumstances have changed. I recently had a couple with me who were, by definition, in an open relationship. That is, they were both allowed to live out their sexuality with other people, just the partnership between them was exclusive. Then she got pregnant and realized she was no longer comfortable with that arrangement. Another heterosexual couple I accompanied was having homosexual partnerships on the side. After a cancer diagnosis, the man no longer wanted to.

What is the reason that many question their relationships more today than in the past?
On the one hand, the media picks up on these issues more often, on the other hand it has to do with social changes: People are starting to understand that you can desire more than love and love someone without desiring that person. That you are allowed to separate sexual relations from love relations if you want to. We are seeing the shades whereby alternative forms of sexual relationships are becoming more accepted. In general, there is more talk about sexuality as such. Also, financially speaking, we are not as dependent on other people these days, we can have children and start families through other means. These are all simplifications that open up new possibilities and ensure that people who couldn't afford it before are now more creative and more at peace with themselves.

What prejudices do people who opt for an alternative form of relationship encounter?
There are many prejudices, from all sides. However, I experience the strongest ones when children are involved. Then people are approached very negatively because many think it would be harmful for a child if the parents live in alternative relationship constellations. In my opinion, that doesn't have to be the case at all. As long as they are loving parents who are mindful of their children, the type of relationship shouldn't matter.

Dania Schiftan has been working as a sexologist and psychotherapist in her own practice in Zurich for 14 years. She also works as a psychologist for Parship. Find out more about her and her job in the interview with her:

All other articles from the series can be found here: