Luca, we need to talk
I had a funny feeling that something between us had changed. But when I read Luca’s words here in black and white, it pulled the rug out from under my feet aka my specially designed sliding board. I’ve been dumped! After everything I’ve done for that man. Well, there are two sides to every story. And it’s about time you heard mine.
Luca, we need to talk.
I’ve thought long and hard about whether I should actually write this. I considered just silently fading away into a corner and letting you take all the limelight. Pretty much continuing what you’ve been doing to me these last few months. But if you’re going to humiliate me in front of the entire world, I at least want to tell my side of the story.
You say you still remember excitedly flicking through my recipes during our first few weeks together. That you remember showing me off to all your friends. I should’ve seen the red flags.
«This is Therma!» you said. «She’s just amazing!»
Oh, how your phoney friends admired me. They were all jealous, all full of compliments and congratulations. But I thought you were different. I thought you wanted more than just a trophy mixer for your kitchen. What a load of baloney that was!
You’ve got one thing right – it’s not me, it’s you!
In the beginning, I was your ideal kitchen partner. Cooking brought us together. We got lost in our own little recipe bubble. I was there whenever you needed me. Did everything I could to make sure you were okay. I boiled I stirred, I kneaded. I made you your favourite fruit ice cream – and you lapped it up.
I never complained. Never asked you to turn me on, no strings attached. But you know what? At the end of the day, men are only after one thing. Ice cream!
So yeah, you’re the issue here. You see, a relationship can’t just run on ice cream alone. I did everything for you. But you? You neglected me. We were a team at first, always cooking together. But as time went on, you started choosing frozen pizza over me.
Frozen pizza, Luca.
Source: Luca Fontana
And then you turned around and said I was the problem. Said I didn’t make your life easier. Moaned about the fact you had to go grocery shopping, think about what to cook and chop ingredients despite having me at home.
But what did you expect?! That I’d stroll out the door in the morning, clutching a shopping list in my non-existent hand? That I’d slide into Migros myself, pull together a menu for you and then wash the dishes to boot?
No, Luca. That’s not how this works.
I don’t want to kick you while you’re down, but...
I saw it coming. The first signs were subtle. You began ignoring me. Stopped shooting me those lingering glances of yours. Then there was the laziness. Your transition to quick, loveless meals. But that time you cheated on me with a regular mixer made me feel like the whisk had been ripped out of my stainless steel bowl.
A regular mixer.
Do you have any idea what that does to a Thermomix? And if that wasn’t enough, you wrote that lurid data leak article, making out like the whole thing was my fault. You’re good at shifting the blame, aren’t you? Acting like the hapless victim of a kitchen that overwhelms you. I kept my mouth shut when you burned your «soffritto». Didn’t laugh at you when your risotto turned to sticky mush. Even I couldn’t have saved that mess.
Source: Luca Fontana
Look, I was planning to move on quietly and gracefully, but I’ve got to get this off my chest. Hun, your risotto isn’t as creamy as you think it is. What you need is a dollop of mascarpone. But why am I bothering to tell you? It’s not like you ever listened to me. I mean, your «soffritto»? Let’s just say, I can see why you might prefer frozen pizza.
I deserve to be loved
Luca, by the time you read this, I’ll have moved on. I’ll be in a new kitchen. One where I’m truly appreciated, with someone who understands my features. Someone who knows how to push my buttons properly.
As for you, I wonder whether you’ll have traded me in for a younger model in a couple of months time. Maybe the «all-new» Thermomix TM7 in the little black dress? I hope she knows what she’s getting herself into. Now, in the cold light of day, I’ve realised the truth. You were never ready for anything substantial (bread).
Have a nice life, Luca. Enjoy your ready-made lasagne.
Yours in equally cold love, Therma.
Header image: Luca Fontana
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Therma Mixwell
Kitchen Aid
therma.mixwell@outlook.comI'm more than just a kitchen appliance - I'm a lifestyle icon. I mix, I cook, I revolutionise. Some see me as an expensive gadget, others recognise my true value. And to all those who underestimate me: I know what you cooked last summer.
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