What are the missed opportunities you regret?

At the end of their 20s – when a midlife crisis is still a long way off – many people take stock for the first time: the one education I never completed, the relationship I never gave a chance or the trip I always put on the back burner… Is it really too late for certain life goals at some point? And how do you deal with «what ifs»? Together with Christine Hoffmann, coach and occupational psychologist in Vienna, I take a closer look at the topic. She says: «Many paths lead us to the desired future.

Mrs Hoffmann, what exactly are missed opportunities? Do we miss out on them because we let them pass us by? Or are they the result of a conscious decision?

According to scientific estimates, people make around 35,000 decisions every day. We only weigh up different options for 10 per cent of these decisions. The remaining 90 per cent of decisions are made automatically, i.e. without conscious thought.

When do we regret decisions?

We only regret them if the chosen path is perceived as unfavourable. Nevertheless, not all people feel remorse about their decisions. Self-reflective people who make decisions according to their value system recognise that, just because the desired result didn’t materialise, the decision wasn’t necessarily «bad». They understand that they made the best decision with what they knew at the time. At the same time, they understand that with more knowledge and experience, they would perhaps make a different decision today. Our wealth of knowledge and experience is constantly growing. We have less experience before a decision is made than afterwards. Regret can therefore be a sign of personal development.

The saying has always been true: «Hindsight is easier than foresight.» Similar to the flippant turn of phrase: «Could have, would have, should have.»

Not all people who make such comments react as casually to their own supposed mistakes as they do to those of others. Incidentally, how much remorse someone shows also depends on their personality. People who are strongly proactive, who focus on what they’re able to influence, are aware of one important thing: the past is outside of their control. They can only change their perspective of the past and learn from it for their desired future. In other words, regret less and ask yourself more: «What can I learn from this? What does this mean for my decisions in the future?» This is a good way to deal with regrets of missed opportunities.

What is the most common thing people regret?

Towards the end of life, people most often regret not having lived authentically and conforming too much to the expectations of others. Many people on their death bed regret that they prioritised their work too much and as a result didn’t spend enough time with their loved ones. Australian end-of-life caregiver Bronnie Ware wrote about this a good decade ago in her book «5 Things Dying People Regret Most».

Non-fiction

5 things dying people regret the most

German, Bronnie Ware, 2013

1

Non-fiction

5 things dying people regret the most

German, Bronnie Ware, 2013

1

And what do you struggle with when you’re younger?

People tend to overestimate the attractiveness of untravelled paths. They believe, «if I’d married another person, my life would be much easier.» Or: «If I’d chosen a different job, I’d be much happier.» In psychology, these ideas are referred to as «escapist fantasies». People imagine the perfect life with their childhood friend or the job they didn’t choose. The images in their head shine the brightest and real life can’t keep up. No-one can make a direct comparison because no-one can live several versions of the same life. Escapist fantasies show, people are dissatisfied with their here and now. They should take this seriously, but that doesn’t mean immediately ending a relationship or quitting their job. No partnership is always rosy and all jobs challenge us in some way.

How can we use escapist fantasies positively?

By finding out what the escape fantasies reflect. What are the underlying needs? And how can these be fulfilled today? If you regret still not having children, this may be due to a lack of connection with other people. This need can be fulfilled in many ways. For example, you can offer to babysit the neighbour’s children or be an active godparent. You can invest more time and energy in friendships or read to people in retirement homes. Or it may not even be too late to fulfil your desire to have children.

What do people who often mourn missed opportunities do wrong?

I wouldn’t say they’re doing anything wrong. Remorse can also be the beginning of a development process. When people have a lot of regrets, I recommend they look at how they make decisions. It’s quite possible that they don’t ask themselves the right questions at the crossroads in order to choose the paths that are right for them.

And why do missed opportunities torment some people more than others?

This can be an expression of perfectionism. It often starts small, for example you want to order the best meal on the menu, buy the best car, plan the most efficient travel route… but this extreme need to get the optimal result does us more harm than good. You invest a lot of time in decision-making. However, in most cases it’s not a question of making the best decision, but of making one that works for you.

Earlier you said that regret is about perspective: in the future you can learn from a regretted decision. How can we do this?

Every decision we make comes at a cost. Suppose someone gets an attractive job offer in another city. But the price they would have to pay for this is less time for the family. If you’re not prepared to pay this price, you can still quarrel with the decision. Because both options are good. My advice would be to ask yourself: how can I still incorporate a part of that path I decided against? One way to do this would be to invest an hour a week in further education to stay on the ball and to continue receiving good job offers. A missed opportunity always gives you the option to make a change. It can be the key to your own future. I see remorse as a sign to reflect on oneself and, as I said, to develop one’s personality.

At some point you have to draw a line, though, don’t you?

I call this ageism, when people prevent themselves from fulfilling their wishes. It’s a shame and it affects quality of life. We can fulfil our wishes for a lifetime and have new experiences for a very long time. My grandmother, for example, went on a cruise when she was 99 years old. If the feeling of missed opportunities is constantly gnawing at you, or you regret something you didn’t do in the past, then go for it! It’s never too late.